“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” -Scott Adams

Have you ever started writing a post or a comment to a topic only to give up halfway through? Whether you’re afraid you’ll offend someone or think the comment will draw too much aggravation or (the most common for me) you don’t know what the f*** you were saying to begin with!

That’s what happened to me with this post.

I wasn’t quite sure how to say, “My first book The Silver Ninja is no longer for sale. Anywhere.”

And there it is. Well that was easy, nothing else to see here folks. *Walks away, hops in the car, realizes he’s heading for the train to go to work and turns around.*

-Out of breath- Okay, not sure what I was trying to accomplish there but there’s no way in f— I’m taking the train with the ice and snow on the ground. Wishful thinking Wilmar, wishful thinking.

OKAY! Enough tangents. The reason I’ve had such difficulty writing this post is that I couldn’t quite describe what I was feeling when I pulled the plug. I thought maybe I’d say that I felt terrible about removing it from store shelves but that would be a lie.

I thought maybe I’d feel sad or nostalgic that the first book I ever wrote was now put to sleep. Immortally framed in a wooden picture frame box that contains the notes I’ve written.

But nope! I don’t feel sad or depressed about it all. The truth is, I feel excited! I feel great! I feel RELIEVED!

For the longest time I’d watch the sales page on my books. Everytime I saw +1 on the ISBN or ASIN that matched with my 1st book, I’d find myself yelling, “No! You won’t want to read the rest of the series now!” Stupid right? I know, I know. Everyone keeps telling me, “You’re being too hard on yourself. It was your first book and it wasn’t -that- bad.”

Wasn’t that bad, wasn’t that good either. Find me an artist that is not critical of their work and I will show you a liar.

There is only one great motivator in my life that binds my hands to the keyboard and makes me type until my eyes are heavy and my fingers ache.

It is the desire . . . to do . . . better. Maybe it’s narcissistic of me, but I will revisit any creative projects I’ve done. I don’t do it everyday but I’ll definitely, re-read posts, re-watch videos, and at some point re-read my books.
Yet every time I try to re-read The Silver Ninja. I can’t. This is the same thing that happened to me when I wrote a play about a Knight and a Samurai in High School and when I shot a video about a radio program in college without having a clear understanding of what the hell I was trying to say.

If I cannot look at my old work and be proud of it then I almost pretend it never happened.

I’ll learn from it but I don’t want to look at it.

That’s a problem when the book I don’t want to exist is the start of my superheroine saga. When people tell me not to be so hard on myself, I understand the sentiment, I’ve told others the same thing as well. However, this book was not my first taste of failure nor will it be my last. I know all too well what it’s like to have people read my lackluster work and hate it while I’m (at the time) believing it to be my best work.

When you’re a creator trying to create. There’s this tendency to be embarrassed about your earlier works. Somehow they don’t seem to age well and you cringe whenever someone even mentions old work around you. However, I am a believer that when you are proud of the work you’ve done. Seeing your past work makes you smile not frown.

Take for example this video I shot for the American Heart Association when I was fresh out of college.

American Heart Association from Wilmar Luna on Vimeo.

This was a difficult shoot by far. There were tons of events going on, we didn’t have enough battery power, none of our interviewees were lined up, it was a hot mess. Despite the ugly lower third, the blown out backgrounds which needed a screen, and some audio and video issues. I’m really happy with how this video turned out and don’t mind watching it once in a while.

Sure it’s not the most exciting video in the world but I cobbled this together with the help of my girlfriend and made something truly special. Even with its mistakes I can watch the video and be proud of what I accomplished.

Even this old 4:3 video I shot for the Aviation program at my Community College is something I can watch again. This was a video that I actually managed an entire TEAM to organize and coordinate a massive shooting project for. Special shout out to Maria, JJ, Andrew, and Patrick for all their help on the project!

Aviation Marketing Video (2007) from Wilmar Luna on Vimeo.

So why… why can’t I feel the same way about The Silver Ninja book one?

Well, the truth is. Unlike my other projects, I wasn’t 100% happy with the final product. I knew before release that it wasn’t good enough. But how do you finally know when a book is -good- you know? I’ve re-written that book almost twenty times already and each time I thought THIS IS THE ONE, THIS IS IT, I’VE FINALLY DONE IT! Only to look back on it a year later and say, “What the f— was I thinking?”

IT’S FRUSTRATING!

But now I know–oh yes I know. I know what I’ve done wrong. I went up to that mountain temple and trained with the blind monks who are the masters of calligraphy and soothsayers of the spoken word.

Actually I just started reading a lot of books and practicing short stories BUT!

I know now that when I finish edition 2 of this book. I will be happy with it. Why? Because unlike all my other previous attempts, I’m not going to rush it. I’m going to read it and re-read it and have other people read it until I’m happy with the end result. I’m happy with how Indoctrination came out, it’s not perfect but I thought it was a fun and great book. I want to be happy with The Silver Ninja and Edition 2 is going to accomplish just that.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” The first book was an explosion of creativity that left it an unshaven mess of ratty clothes, unruly hair, and smelly feet. The second edition will turn that homeless hobo into a work of art. I might not be able to bleach out the years of dental damage or reverse its age, or heal its sundried skin. But it’ll be beautiful, exciting, captivating, and a mistake I’ll be more than happy to admit that I’ve made.

Just for funsies, I uploaded some pictures of when The Silver Ninja was first created. Check em out below.

Well I’m looking forward to what’s next for The Silver Ninja. I hope you will all consider following me on this journey and as always, your support is greatly appreciated.