Hey all,
Rather than skip an update I’ll share some of what I’ve been working on and explain the decisions behind it. In the scene snippet you’re about to read: Cindy put herself at risk by trying to stop an armed robbery. One thief was down, but there were two more left. The catch? This is before she ever dons the suit, meaning she’s as vulnerable as you and I if we were to stop a robbery.
A gun barrel cornered around the shelf, sniffing for a target. A man followed behind it. Finger curled around the trigger. Cindy sprang to her feet, lunging towards the weapon. In an instant, she twisted the pistol out of the man’s hand and pulled on his wrist. He fell forward and was greeted face first with the butt of his own gun.
Cindy pulled the slide back and a brass bullet clicked loudly into place. She rounded the corner of the shelf, noticing that the cashier has ducked behind the counter, and saw the last thief standing in front a glass door. The police had the exit surrounded and left the gunman with only one escape.
“NYPD! Drop your weapon!” Cindy yelled.
In the past when she had said that, most criminals did what they were told with hands behind their head. Unfortunately, without the badge or the uniform, this particular bandit decided to roll the dice.
“I’m walking out of here either next to you or with my boots on your back. Get out of my way,” he replied.
“You take one step forward and I will shoot you.” The two kept their sights on each other. “Drop . . . the gun.” With his gun held in front, the robber took one defiant step forward. The iron sights on Cindy’s pistol trembled. She knew she had to squeeze, but doubt and fear froze her finger. You killed him. Your mistake cost you an innocent life, she thought.
Cindy gritted her teeth and squeezed the trigger against everything her body was telling her. Click. Her gun jammed. An immense terror snapped her in its vices. She could see the man’s teeth behind a nylon mask, an evil grin. Cindy ran forward in the hopes of catching him off guard.
Bang! The first bullet whizzed past her head sounding eerily similar to the buzz of a bee. She was close, almost within arms reach. Another bang, this time closer. Vibrations shook her body, gun powder filled her nostrils. A brass knuckled punch hit her chest and then transformed into a knife. It ripped through her jacket, bore a hole in her shirt, and cut into her flesh. The shock was unbearable.
Another muzzle flash and a wisp of smoke. This time, it hit her stomach and then another before her nerves could even register the pain from the first. She tasted blood in her mouth, her sprint slowed to a shamble, her balance thrown off by vertigo. As her vision darkened, she threw the pistol at the robber and fell to the floor without knowing if she even hit him.
She heard the sound of glass shattering followed by dozens of gunshots. A body thumped to the floor, but she couldn’t see anything. Her vision went black and her body felt as if it were dipped in an ice bath.
Her last thought, before being overtaken by sleep, was of her husband Jonas and her sister Jadie.
I’m sorry I’m not going to make it to your birthday. I’ll miss you.
-END SCENE-
Okay, now for the -why- I chose to do an armed robbery.
In Ed. 1 of The Silver Ninja. Cindy is walking home late at night and is stabbed by a team of muggers. She saw a domestic dispute, went to go stop it, and was harmed in the process. While she’s bleeding out on the floor, Cindy is recorded by a bunch of kids on their cell phones and is left to die. When I originally wrote this, the intention was to make the audience empathize with Cindy and to hate what social media has done to our society. Although the intent was noble, it failed to accomplish its goals. Why?
- Four people to mug one person is overkill. How would you split up the profits when people mainly carry credit cards and petty cash? Packs only make sense if it’s a bunch of kids doing a gang initiation for the first time, but not for full-grown adults.
- Cindy didn’t seem like much of a heroine because she initially decided to have a realistic reaction and didn’t want to get involved. The simple act of giving the character doubt started pushing her in the unlikeable direction. It may be unrealistic to have a heroine that will willingly jump into the fray, but we want to read about people who we can ASPIRE to be and relate to. She should have been afraid, but shouldn’t have considered just walking away.
- The stakes didn’t feel high enough. It served as a good motive for what eventually happens to Cindy, but it just didn’t have a strong enough impact.
In my opinion, I think this new direction is much stronger. It opens up new avenues and experiences to explore that will make Cindy into a memorable, likeable character, rather than the one people hated to read about the 1st go round.
Hope you enjoyed the rough!
