There’s something that’s been on my mind lately, something that I want to get off my chest. The Silver Ninja is off to an OK start, not horrible, but not great, and I’ve actually been very happy to read that people would love to see her in other media forms. Some readers have said that they’d love to see a comic book, while others think that it would make a great movie.

ME TOO! But there’s just one tiny problem…

My fear of failure is getting the best of me.

This is not the ‘typical’ failure where I’m afraid of Silver becoming a flop or people hating the book. This is a much more personal issue that I feel would reflect my reputation as a professional as a whole.

You see, I’m afraid that if I do a Silver Ninja movie trailer or comic book, that either:

A.) I’ll lose a lot of money producing a comic book or trailer. (Yes I’m aware of the kickstarters, but then it’s other people’s money.)

or

B.) I’ll produce the project on a miniscule budget and it will look like a terrible B-movie.

I don’t want Silver to look like crap, and my imagination is much greater than what I am capable of achieving at this point in my life. I am constantly reminded that no matter how good I think my demo reel is, professionals in the industry look at my stuff like it’s amateur work. I’m not creating jaw dropping special effects like they did in Pacific Rim, instead I’m making basic animations and drawings in After Effects.

My work seems to lack the -wow- factor, and I’m deathly afraid of Silver falling that same fate. Having a mediocre Silver Ninja trailer production or comic book, would hurt me more than failing to meet people’s expectations.

My biggest failure is not that I haven’t accomplished anything, it’s that what I have done isn’t good enough.

When I write a story or create a graphic or make a video, it’s always just not good enough. It’s too long, too boring, too short, makes no sense. I show people my demo reel and they still don’t know what I’m capable of doing. The Silver Ninja is sitting at 3 stars right now, which is everything I could have hoped for. Unfortunately, it also reminds me that the book could have been better, and it could be selling much more than it currently is.

So what brought on this blog post? Well, it was a project that I saw back in the early 2000’s on the internet. It was called “Grayson” and it was the brain child of a dude named, John Fiorella.

He shot the entire trailer on an $18,000 budget and maxed out several credit cards. The trailer is right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQyfQ7RMOXs and you know what? Even after all these years I still really love this trailer. But did this John fellow ever find success in Hollywood?

As of this writing, no.

In fact, he’s disappeared off the map and any interviews I have found with him are of 2007. Though he doesn’t have any social media presence, I did e-mail his co-producer, Gabriel Sabloff who had this to say:

“Hi Wilmar – John’s doing fine.  He’s busy writing and hustling and trying to get a feature film produced.  It’s insanely difficult to make a film that will be blow people away.  Sometimes it takes many years.  But the next time you hear from John, It will be big.”

Although optimistic in tone, it certainly has been many years. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I would hate to produce a Silver Ninja trailer and have nothing come of it. I am very difficult to please when it comes to my own projects that I’m passionate about, if the trailer didn’t meet my expectations, I would be devastated if it only made 30 views on youtube.

In almost every project I do, it never seems to hit the level of success that I want it to achieve. My graphics look amateur, my animations lack pizzaz, and in general… my work has no “wow” factor. Even when I do my freelance CBS football games, I always feel like I’m just not fast enough or good enough to keep up with my peers. I try my hardest, but there’s always something that comes up which ruins my efforts. The amount of rejection and failure I’ve waded through has made me oft consider giving up breaking into the industry and writing altogether…

“But not this day.”

For you see, this is why you’ve come to the blog. You don’t want to read about an individual who’s going to give up, you want to read about someone who is going to give you hope.

You see, I lied to you earlier. The whole bit about me giving up on breaking into the industry and writing? It wasn’t true. The self doubt is true, the not good enough is true, but I never once considered “giving up.”

And you know why? Because people hate quitters, and I would be a hypocrite if I decided to quit now. If you watch a TV show about weight loss or getting a makeover, do you want to see the person who quits the show or the one who follows through to the end?

Humanity may feed off people’s failure, but everyone respects and encourages the underdog. I recognize my weaknesses and I am striving to address them.

People don’t know what I do after viewing my demo reel?

Change it, improve it, make it better. Failure to communicate and understand is not always the fault of the viewer or the reader.

Companies are asking for people with expertise in more exotic high end programs?

Learn it, take online classes and turn yourself into a valuable asset.

Your book gets negative reviews because the writing needs work?

Practice, teach yourself the craft, learn how to better weave your words and express your ideas.

So what did I do? I’ll tell you what I did:

1.) I took some classes in the more exotic programs and so that I could one day learn how to create those blockbuster effects.

2.) I’ve picked up several books to teach me how to improve my craft. I’ve been writing short stories and putting what I’ve read into practice, so that Silver 2 could be phenomenal.

3.) I remind myself that I published a book, who else has done that? I remind myself that I -have- achieved things and I will continue to reach more milestones regardless of the obstacles in my path.

4.) Probably the most important of all. Keep trying, persistence is everything. I was quite relieved to see that Harvey Keitel (an actor) had auditioned for roles for 10 years without getting a hit. Other graphics artists tried to get work for 7 and still had nothing. But they kept trying over and over until they could land a hit, and their careers just took off after that. Well I’m personally hoping it doesn’t take me 10 years, but I refuse to give up now after coming this far.

It is too easy to get discouraged and a lot more difficult to keep going. As soon as you settle for less, your quality of life suffers as well. So you’re unhappy if you keep trying and failing, and you’re unhappy if you give up and settle.

Well if you’re going to be unhappy either way, you might as well do it while pursuing your dreams. Do you want to die on your back or on your feet? Don’t tell yourself it’s impossible, teach yourself how to get it done.

I may not have heard of the John Fiorella guy in a while, but if his friend says he’s still going for it, then I’m going to do the same. Why? Because I don’t want my life to feel empty because I gave up.

I’d rather go down fighting, how about you?