(Disclaimer: I wrote this entry earlier in the week. Would have posted it earlier but I wanted to make sure it was looked over with fresh eyes.)

I feel…

Very overwhelmed at the moment. I went through a very stressful experience that really tested my ability to cope with pressure.

And I almost failed.

I’m still feeling the after effects of what I went through, and that’s saying something. Considering my history, for me to still feel remnants of anxiety after the experience has already passed is very unusual. Let’s just do a quick rundown:

– I’ve acted in theater plays.

– I’ve been on live television.

– I’ve directed live television.

– I’ve been mugged, but never lost my cool when I knew it was going to happen.

– I’ve survived being a Publicity intern at Newline Cinema.

– I’ve nearly drowned and managed to swim my way back to safety.

– and I have to place graphics on live television for American Football games, without making a mistake, broadcast to millions of viewers.

I don’t crack under pressure, my work history proves that, but yesterday… yesterday I almost lost it.

I can’t really go into too much detail as to what it entailed, but it involved testing my skills in video editing and creating motion graphics in After Effects. Essentially, skills that I studied when I went to school. I was quite confident in my ability to replicate what was being asked of me, some of the things I was able to do in my sleep.

But I wasn’t expecting to be tested THAT day, so soon. I thought I was going to go home, but instead I was asked to sit at a computer that wasn’t my own, find a file that I’ve never seen before, and start creating graphics and editing for a project that could interfere with someone else’s work.

The pressure was incredible. There was more at stake that day, than anything I’ve ever put on the table. Why? Because succeeding in my task could determine which direction my life would start to take. It could be the stepping stone to the future that I’ve always dreamed of but was never able to accomplish.

But when I sat at the computer, my will collapsed. My hands were sweaty, and I found myself constantly wiping them on my slacks, praying for them to go dry. Why the f— did I put gel on today? I thought to myself. My hands would tremble over the keyboard and the smell of my cologne would waft into my nostrils. I loved the scent of my cologne and so does my girlfriend, but today, I hated it. It’s odor combined with this foreign place made me feel more foreign, more amateur, more displaced than being in another country.

You know why this experience affected me so much? When I’ve done (theoretically) way more stressful things in the past?

Because unlike my past situations, I couldn’t hide behind a wall when I made a mistake. And even worse, my life goals were at stake. When it came to performing on stage, you were doing just that, performing. My mask was the memorized lines and blocking I rehearsed months before. And even though I could get emotional and lose myself  in the character, it was never truly me. When doing the national football games, I can hide behind a computer monitor and only get yelled at by a producer, and I can handle being screamed at.

But this experience, this was a test of my creative ability, my trouble shooting ability, and my speed, all at the same time. Not only that, but I had to impress a person I’ve never met before AND put on the table, the possibility, that I may need to leave my job without a guarantee of having another.

This meant no more health insurance, no more dinner dates with the girlfriend, no more buying games whenever I please, and most importantly, and you all know what’s coming next, no more paycheck.

Was I really ready to gamble it all away? To discard a life of relative financial security, to pursue something that may not be guaranteed? And if I fail, can I really force myself to stay in my current position for even one more week?

I’m afraid, very afraid. If this is what it means to step out of your comfort zone, I could see why people hate to do it.

For you see, my greatest fear had never been one so simple as, afraid to die, afraid of spiders (though I do hate the giant ones), a fear of public speaking.

No, my greatest fear is failure. I am afraid to fail, and this is a problem… because it is through failure that you become greater. But, my girlfriend and family are counting on me to take care of them, and I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to let anyone down.

If I were to summarize my dreams, it’d go like this:

Have enough money to comfortably marry my girl, kids hopefully.

Make a Silver Ninja movie with Anna Kendrick as Cindy and Blake Lively as Jadie. (It’s ridiculous how perfect they would be.)

Success with The Silver Ninja books.

Create films for a living.

Pay off any family debts.

Be able to pursue any creative endeavor I wish.

If I could, I would take care of any debts my friends have as well.

Simple, I think. The question is, can I achieve these dreams where I am now, or do I need to take the risk of being penniless?

But if that’s what people with anxiety go through, wow… it’s debilitating! I mean, I’ve had maybe small, tiny experiences with panic attacks, but what I felt that day just shattered my confidence into nothingness. However, I did manage to cope with it and I did manage to pull through even though I ended up battered in the end.

So what did I do to cope with the anxiety? Well, this may not work for everyone but it’s a start:

1.) Focused on the task at hand and tried not to worry about anything else. I accepted the fact that I was freaking out and powered myself through it by keeping busy.

2.) I talked about it to my loved ones who helped make me feel better about myself and my experience.

3.) I told myself and accepted that I was going to fail. By allowing myself to experience failure, I still managed to succeed in what I set out to do. Now accepting failure is different than telling yourself you’re going to fail. In this scenario, I accepted that I wasn’t going to get this right, but that I would still try to make the best of the situation. This is very different from saying, “You’re going to screw up, you’re going to fail, you’re not going to pull this off.” THAT kind of talk, will destroy you in seconds.

It was a pretty horrible experience, but then I take comfort in knowing that… I survived, and I was asked to come back and try again. Which leads us to the moral of the story… don’t you ever give up.

Thank you for reading. Now that I’ve had two serious posts, I think it’s only fair we bring some more interesting content for the next blog post. Not sure what I’ll discuss yet, but I’ll make sure it’s cheery.